You’re not my usual type…

In 99% of relationships I’ve ever been in, I’ve been hit with a the ‘you’re not my usual type’. From the guys I’ve dated for three weeks to the much longer term things. They’ve all said it. As a compliment.

Folk, it is not a compliment.

‘I don’t usually date blondes but…’ but what? My stellar personality makes up for the fact you don’t find me attractive? ‘None of my other girlfriends were tall…’ thanks for making an exception for me, pal. Glad to feel so special. ‘I’ve never been into tattoos’ I’ve never been into dickheads and yet here we are.

For a compliment to have the feel good factor, it needs to be personable to the complimentee. I love your eyes is a compliment, because it is about something the person has. You’re not my usual type is not a compliment, because it is about what the person is lacking. And to be honest, most of the time I wasn’t aware of lacking anything until that moment. And it fundamentally changed the dynamics of the relationships.

‘You’re not my usual type’ makes me feel like a novelty. Something a bit different, you’re just trying out. It makes me wonder if you actually like me for myself, or if you like me because I’m different to your ex. It makes me feel that I need to work extra hard for your affections, because I don’t have the luxury of being naturally attractive to you. That you’re doing me a favour by dating me. It doesn’t make me feel equal.

Not my usual type makes me acutely aware of the things I am not.

It makes me compare myself to other women, wishing I was more like them.

From early socialisation through rom coms and gossip mags, women are taught to be in competition with each other. We hear about celebs ‘stealing’ each other’s boyfriends. Countless films where the female best friend is hopelessly in love with the lead male, and turns her sights on sabotaging his current relationship. ‘I don’t know what he sees in her, you’re way prettier’ we tell our heartbroken friends.

When we pit women against each other in the game of love we’re asserting that the man is the prize, and his affections need to be ‘won’. NOT that love is an mutual relationship, where both people are equal. It’s an outdated and misogynistic view point that hurts men too. When we look at men as the ‘prize’ we fail to take into account them as a whole person. We objectify them, we don’t into account their feelings or emotions.

I also don’t want to be complimented in relation to other women because I want to be enough, just as I am. I want you to fancy me for me. All parts of me. Not just the bits that are easy to like.

It’s alright to have a type, we all do. But if you end up dating somebody who isn’t your type (like most people do at some point) do you really want to spend the relationship focusing on how you wish things were different, rather than celebrating the way things are?